According to statistics, family psychologists are usually approached with the problem of infidelity. The second most common reason is frequent quarrels in the family. Moreover, not only husband and wife quarrel, but also children and parents, brothers and sisters, and other relatives, who sometimes gather too many under one roof.
More and more often one can hear the opinion that a good quarrel is the basis of a strong family. On the one hand, in psychology there is a concept of the constructive function of this kind of conflict.
For some time, relatives and close people accumulate negative attitude towards each other, and this is normal, since they have to closely communicate and live under one roof. For example, a perfectionist spouse gets nervous day in and day out if the wife hangs the towel unevenly in the bathroom or puts different colored pillowcases on the pillows. Mother-in-law does not find a place for herself when her son-in-law commands her daughter. Melancholic parents get tired of an irrepressible choleric child. At the same time, all the aforementioned disaffected parties hide their irritation for a while, because they like or do not want to offend. But indignation accumulates, and one day some trifle opens this abscess. All say to each other whatever they think.
From this point of view, a family quarrel is indeed a painful, but necessary procedure for opening a ripe “furuncle”. A person splashes out negativity from himself and calms down exactly until he accumulates a new one. Another positive aspect is that now it is known who thinks what about whom, and this pushes some to correct their mistakes, if family relationships are a value for them.
However, psychologists also focus on other aspects of family quarrels:
- how often they occur;
- how they pass;
- who is usually the instigator.
The constructive function of a quarrel is performed if:
- occur no more than once a week – between a parent and a child, once every 2 weeks – between spouses and once a month – between other relatives;
- allow a slight increase in voice without switching to shouting and assault;
- the instigators are different family members each time.
All other quarrels are nothing more than an element that destroys the family from the inside. If they happen too often, then there is more dissatisfaction between relatives than love, they annoy each other. If shouts, fights, throwing things, breaking dishes are allowed – these are already personality and behavioral disorders, and you should seriously think about consulting not only a psychologist, but also a psychotherapist. If a conflict is started by the same person every time, he is most likely a manipulator, tyrant or hysteroid, and one must get rid of his influence.
Output. If there are conflicts between relatives, you should first think about what they are. If the wife and husband did not agree on what to eat, she pouted sweetly, and he prepared her favorite lasagna as a sign of reconciliation – such moments bring them closer and confirm that a good quarrel is the foundation of a family. But the key word in this phrase is “good.”
Reasons for quarrels in the family
A quarrel plays a constructive or destructive role, largely depends on the reason for which it flared up. Of course, they can be different every time, but it is one thing when a husband and wife quarreled over the fact that he did not notice her new hairstyle, and completely different when she suspects him of cheating. In the first case, everything can end in a quick reconciliation, and in the second, in divorce.
So, why there are frequent quarrels in the family: TOP-8 of the most common reasons.
Reason 1. Because of everyday life
One of the most insignificant reasons not worth rolling up a scandal, but it is this that leads to irreconcilable family conflicts. Many people mistakenly believe that someone does not want to take out the trash can or wash the dishes because of laziness or harm. Of course, this is not excluded, but much more often completely different motives come to the fore.
First, spouses cannot share responsibilities among themselves due to childhood patterns of behavior. If in the husband’s family the mother has always vacuumed herself, you will not convince him that a man can also do this.
Secondly, oddly enough, the instinct of self-preservation is to blame. After numerous stresses experienced during the day, and the enormous load that a modern person experiences, his body sends signals to the brain that he needs to rest. Because of this, it can be so difficult to do household chores on an unconscious level.
Way out: pre-assign responsibilities around the house. If you can’t come to a single consensus, cast lots for who should go for a walk with the dog, and who should go to the store for bread.
Reason 2. For money
It is corny and old as the world, but there is no escape from financial instability. It is believed that such quarrels usually occur in families with low incomes. Indeed, when there is not enough money for the basic things: food, clothing, paying for housing, people try to shift the responsibility for this onto each other. However, psychologists argue that this reason is not uncommon among wealthy citizens: issues of division of property, registration of a marriage contract, redistribution of income and expenses within the family – all this leads to open conflicts and divorces.
The way out: a prenuptial agreement and a prenuptial agreement on who will work how, who will earn how much and who will spend how much. If the problem is not between spouses, but between other relatives (adult children sit on the neck of elderly parents), the only solution is to live in different houses.
Reason 3. Due to character
People are divided by psychologists into many types: by temperament (choleric, sanguine, melancholic, phlegmatic), by archetypes (Pearson has 12), by mental functions (Jung’s classification), by Myers-Briggs typology, etc. Each has its own character due to heredity, temperament, upbringing, social status. When opposites collide under the same roof, family quarrels cannot be avoided.
Way out: use various psychological methods of pacifying oneself: during the brewing of a conflict, drink a glass of water, go to another room or get some fresh air, reduce everything to a joke, etc.
Reason 4. Because of the parents
The most painful cause of family quarrels. As many people who have come to a psychologist for help admit, it is easier for them to forgive the betrayal of a loved one than his poisonous remarks and open attacks towards their parents. Conflicts between mothers-in-law and sons-in-law, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have ruined many marriages. This is logically explainable (they should get along side by side, although they are completely strangers to each other), but this does not reduce the exacerbation.
Way out: no matter how offensive it may be for parents and costly in terms of finances for children, in the event of frequent quarrels for this reason, the only way to save a young family from disintegration is to distance yourself.
Reason 5. Because of work / hobby
Everyone around says that a self-sufficient person should grow in terms of a career, have their own hobbies, but few people think about how this affects their family life. Public people and those who are seriously engaged in something other than work rarely show up at home, devote little time and attention to children and soulmates. And all this provokes frequent and difficult quarrels.
Solution: take a close look at the person before starting a family with him. If you are satisfied with his ambition and desire to become a careerist, if you enjoy his hobby, then do not blame him for frequent absences from home.
Reason 6. Because of children
Sometimes children seal the marriage, and sometimes, sadly, they destroy it. Moreover, here we can distinguish four clear periods of exacerbations, when quarrels about this can lead to divorce:
- Immediately after the birth of a child, when the mother pays all her attention to him, and not to her husband (he has a feeling of uselessness).
- When he turns 3-4 years old, and he begins to show character, quarrels arise over the methods of education.
- In adolescence, when children become uncontrollable due to puberty, they go into open conflicts with their parents, plus the latter shift responsibility for what is happening onto each other (“You brought him up like this!”, “You did not pay attention to him!” ).
- 18 years old, when a grown-up child decides to go his own way (enters the wrong educational institution where his parents wanted to determine; he gets married early / gets married, choosing a party that is not entirely successful, from the point of view of the parents, for life).
- Way out: from birth, both parents should participate in the care and upbringing of the child. This will reduce the number of fights. And as he grows up, he needs to be given the right to make his own choice, to make mistakes and correct himself.
Reason 7. Because of beliefs and attitudes
Family quarrels often flare up due to the inconsistency of views on different things (starting with the question of how to swaddle a child, and ending with the global problem of global warming) and beliefs (father-in-law is Orthodox, son-in-law is Catholic or even atheist).
Way out: respect your opponent in an argument, do not get personal and remember that this is your family. It is better to leave such statements for friends and colleagues.
Reason 8. Due to lifestyle
Often the husband is a lover of parties, guests, gatherings with friends, outings, entertainment. And the wife loves quiet family evenings and does not tolerate noisy companies. Or a young couple returns home late in the evenings, brings their acquaintances, and already older parents do not support their night walks, drinking beer and smoking on the balcony. In such situations, everyone seeks to remake the other for themselves, but this is incredibly difficult, which provokes conflicts.
This often becomes the cause of quarrels between mother and daughter. The first wants happiness for the second, tries to save her from the modern world, defines many prohibitions for her, limits the circle of communication with her friends and young people. A teenage girl, on the other hand, is influenced by sex hormones and environment. She wants, like everyone else, to try a smoke, drink wine, meet boys, go to discos. This can lead to daily debilitating screaming quarrels. The result can be very disastrous – a complete breakdown of trust between mom and daughter, suicides and runaways from home.
Way out: find a compromise. For example, one evening a week to go somewhere, as the husband likes to do, and once a week to arrange quiet family gatherings at home watching the TV, as the wife wants.
What to do
Psychologists have several universal advice on what to do if there are constant quarrels in the family. However, they only work if everyone is interested in maintaining a good relationship. If only the wife will go to reconciliation, and the husband will not care, she will not stand such indifference for a long time. Therefore, the recommendations from specialized specialists should be adhered to by everyone involved in domestic wars.
As soon as a relationship problem arises, sit down to discuss it on the same day. Don’t build up irritation and anger for weeks.
If there are topics of disagreement in the family, discuss only one of them at a time. Otherwise, the tangle of material problems, betrayals and relationships with relatives will turn into a grandiose scandal.
Find out relationships only with those whom they concern. If your husband cheated on you, do not involve your mother or girlfriend in a quarrel.
During the showdown, build a constructive dialogue, do not let anger overwhelm you. Clearly, concisely and only to the point, state your discontent and wait for an answer. Listen to the end. Argument.
Avoid generalized, meaningless, but painfully beating phrases like “it’s impossible to live with you,” “why did I contact you,” “you are always like that,” “you don’t think about anyone else”.
Do not go to screaming, and even more so do not stoop to assault. If your opponent allowed himself to do so in a fight, stop it before it gets serious. Take a break for a while. Take it easy. If necessary, leave the house for a breath of fresh air, but be sure to warn that you will be back soon, otherwise they will think that you have escaped from the problem.
It is strictly forbidden in quarrels to attack children, parents and physical disabilities of the person with whom you are talking. If he allowed himself this – stop the conflict and think about further communication with this person. If he touches such strings of your soul, moral values are not sufficiently formed in him and he can betray at any moment.
If in the course of an argument you realize that you are wrong, admit it. Do not be afraid to ask for forgiveness – this does not make you weak, but only shows that you can self-reflect and this relationship is important to you. However, you should not take this step if the other party is to blame. Maintain your dignity and do not be humiliated.
On the one hand, to improve relations after a quarrel is as easy as shelling pears: bought a cake – asked for forgiveness (only sincerely!) – sat for tea, recalled good moments of life together – that’s it, the conflict is over.
On the other hand, it can be difficult: if the problem repeats over and over again; if the one with whom the scandal occurred is a vulnerable and too sensitive person; if your guilt is huge, it is not a fact that they will forgive you for the cake and generally agree to communicate. How, then, to make peace?
- Wait until all parties to the conflict calm down.
- Don’t bring up the quarrel anymore. On the contrary, distract with other conversations.
- Joke (only kindly).
- Go somewhere together.
- Ask for advice (even on trifles) – this will show the person that you value their opinion.
- Make a gift that he or she cannot refuse.
And most importantly – correct yourself, do not make the same mistakes. Consider what was said to you in the argument. Of course, a lot was thrown in a state of passion, but you probably caught the essence of the conflict and claims against you personally. If you are not required to betray the faith or abandon your own parents (it also happens), picking up your child from kindergarten or taking out the trash can in the evening is still within your power.