How to survive the renovation of the apartment and not get divorced?
If you want to start repairs in your apartment in the near future, set three rules for yourself. And try not to deviate from them, even if you really want to!
Rule # 1: I am a woman, I am wiser! Any man is by nature an invader, and in any case he will always insist on his own. Be smarter, do not bring the matter to a quarrel, because in small moments you can give in. Remember that your relationship with him is more valuable than any repair!
Rule # 2: A good, and most importantly, quiet renovation starts with a plan. Free up a whole evening (or maybe even a day!) With your man to discuss future renovations. Discuss everything, even the smallest details, down to the shape and location of the switches! Write down everything that you discussed, you can even draw. Check if you understood each other correctly. This will be your repair plan. Well, there will be fewer quarrels, you have discussed almost everything and come to a common decision.
Rule # 3: Let your man feel strong. Repair still requires a firm man’s hand. If he so much likes to read about building materials, choose a manufacturer, where and what is better to buy – well, let him do it. This is unlikely to be interesting to you. Let the man decide what and where you will buy, and you will only help with the choice of color, shape and decor. You can save your nerves, and then you will not be left to blame for choosing bad materials. And let him communicate with a brigade of workers, but they will be afraid to deceive him.
No one has ever counted how many nerve cells were spent by people in the repair process, how many sleepless nights were spent thinking about which wallpaper to choose – this cannot be calculated either by the forces of mathematics or the forces of sociology. Why is everyone so afraid of renovation? And what do you need to know about him? Will we answer the most common questions?
Why do you just have to go through the repair?
Because renovation is a revolution in a state called “family”. Your family is a small state with its own laws. And when one part of the population decides to rebuild the entire territory without taking into account the opinion of the other, a coup d’état, and sometimes a civil war, is imminent. Each of the family members needs to have their own psychological space, so it is important to take into account the opinion of the entire population of your family state.
How to behave to avoid quarrels?
It is hardly possible to avoid quarrels, but you can reduce them. To do this, I recommend two methods:
Divide the space of the apartment into zones and appoint a person responsible for each of them. For example, leave the choice of kitchen decoration for yourself, the interior of the study is thought out by the husband, and the wishes about the children’s bedroom will be expressed by the children themselves.
Negotiate to reach a compromise. There are places in the apartment where both spouses spend a lot of time, for example, in the bedroom or living room. What if your views on their design are completely different? Find a compromise! For example, choose an intermediate option between two colors, or use both colors in the interior, if possible.
Who is in charge in the renovation process – a man or a woman?
All families are different, the leading role can be taken by either the wife or the husband. If your man takes on the main burden, then at the very beginning you need to express to him all your wishes and condemn all controversial points – but then you will quarrel less.
Repair – is it a woman’s business?
On the one hand, since we are talking about building materials and tools, this is a man’s business. But, look at it from the other side! At all times, a woman was engaged in the arrangement of a home. It is the woman who makes the home the home to which the man wants to return. And since ancient times a man has been a hunter and a breadwinner. The ancient Slavs even had a saying like this: A woman and a cat are the main ones in the house, and a man and a dog are in the yard.
Why is wallpapering the most difficult to repair?
Because it’s a team effort. And for this work to work, you really need to work as one team. Otherwise, not only quarrels, but also divorce cannot be avoided. In any business, there must be a leader who will lead, and assistants who will do part of the work. Many families quarrel when wallpapering, precisely because they cannot choose a leader and share the actions. Two leaders are a nightmare! These are quarrels and screams, since everyone pulls the blanket to his side, but the matter does not move. Two followers – this is even worse, then nothing will move at all for you! Distribute the leadership, let the husband command the wallpaper while you direct something else.
At what age do people most emotionally experience repairs?
There is no definite answer. Of course, more mature people are more relaxed about repairs, since they already have experience. On the other hand, the real age of a person may not coincide with the psychological one, namely, the latter is responsible for the emotional component. So, both mature couples and young families can experience violent quarrels during the renovation.
Why is it more and more difficult to decide on repairs with age?
Young people live in the future – they want to equip their home for their future life. Mature families live in the present – they are already less active, they are satisfied with the current state of affairs. Well, older people live in the past – they associate interior details with something memorable and significant, so they want to preserve them.
Why do older people find it difficult to part with old worn-out things?
Why can’t they, for example, decide to replace the old creaky bed with a new, more comfortable one? This is a characteristic feature of the older generation who grew up and raised in times of scarcity. The habit, even an internal need, to store unnecessary things is so ingrained in them that even in the modern world it is problematic to get rid of it.
Psychologists advise not to forget about the usual rules of communication during the repair process:
Be polite and compromise;
Discuss even the smallest details together;
Develop a repair plan together and write it down on paper.
But it is absolutely impossible to foresee everything, therefore, during the repair, you may encounter some obstacles that will prevent you from achieving a peaceful repair result. How can these obstacles be overcome?
Obstacle # 1: Everyone Has Different Preferences
Each of us in childhood played with doll houses. As we mature, we can’t wait to have the opportunity to also play with our home: furnish everything the way we want, from the floor to the pot on the stove. But our men, even though they did not play doll houses, also have their own preferences in the design of the home. As a result, we face each other: you want one thing, he is completely different. How to be? Go to meet your loved one or make a scandal that can lead to divorce?
Psychologists in such cases are advised to look for a middle ground. Indeed, your tastes cannot diverge completely radically, otherwise you would simply not be a couple. If you can’t come to a common solution, divide the zones. You can be responsible for decorating the kitchen, and the husband for decorating the living room. He chooses the wallpaper, and you select the furniture to your taste. The main thing in the renovation process is to make sure that each of you has his own personal area, even if it is not a separate room, but a comfortable reading chair.
Obstacle # 2: Different Attitudes Toward Financial Costs
Repair is a costly business, while usually in a pair, one person is ready to spend a lot of money on the best materials and furniture, while the other is trying to save money. But life is such that the family budget is still limited, and you simply cannot spend an astronomical amount on remodeling an apartment. Therefore, you choose, for example, a shower, not a jacuzzi – here it is not a matter of personal preferences, but of financial possibilities. So over time: you are willing to work on renovations every day, and your spouse can insist on taking a break every weekend.
Psychologists advise to limit both the budget for repairs and the time of its implementation. To do this, before starting work, set for yourself the maximum amount of costs and the deadline for repair work – set yourself boundaries and try to stay within them. Of course, spending money on repairs and then starving is pointless and wrong. To keep track of your cash flows, start home accounting – it should be completely transparent for both spouses. Make large purchases by mutual agreement. By the way, many psychologists believe that if a person is not ready to combine finances during the repair and coordinate expenses together, then he is also not ready to join his life with you.
Obstacle # 3: Do it yourself or hire a team?
Oh, this question can cause a very heated discussion! At first glance, everything is simple here: if you want to save your nerves and time – hire a team of craftsmen, if you want to save money – do the repairs yourself. But it just doesn’t always work. It turns out that your husband “doesn’t stick around at work for days, so that later you can glue the wallpaper yourself,” and you “better glue the wallpaper yourself than give a team of craftsmen the amount that will be enough to update your wardrobe.” And it begins – quarrels, abuse and resentment.
In fact, it is better to seek a compromise: it is better to call the masters for some work, because you yourself have never done them and have a vague idea of how to do it. It’s even better, otherwise you will do something wrong and, for example, flood your neighbors – in the end you will spend even more money. Well, you can do some light work yourself.
If the husband decided that he would do the repair himself, then psychologists advise letting him do it. Yes, let him prove that he is a real man, that he can do everything himself, and that he is generally the coolest and coolest you have. Let him do it, do not criticize him. Better help – stir the glue there, give the tool. This is no longer renovation, but politics. We are smarter, do not forget that his dedication is directly proportional to the desire to be with you for many, many years.
Obstacle # 4: Repair is a messy business
Oh yes, renovation is a very messy business. And if the husband took over all the hard work, this does not mean that you can sit down in a chair and watch him with admiration – the repair is your total! This means that you will not be able to relax either, as you will have to always be ready with a rag, mop, bucket of water and detergent. And, finally, you should have the feeling that both of you participated in the renovation, each made a contribution to the common cause – this perfectly strengthens further family relationships.
Psychologists believe that during the renovation it is necessary to drive out of your head the thoughts “I did more than he did”. At some stage you did more, at another stage he put more of his energy into it. Renovation is a joint undertaking; mutual support is required here.
Obstacle # 5: Repair is stress
Renovation is not just a mess, it is a real pogrom! It is possible that for some time you will have to live on suitcases, breathe lime and stumble over mountains of garbage. As a result, you get more and more irritated, and now the stress is close, and then hysteria is not far away! The body is physiologically tuned to hysteria. In such a situation, you can quarrel with your spouse and in the heat of the moment decide to divorce, and then … then you will regret all your life about what you did.
To prevent this from happening, psychologists advise to allocate days of rest for yourself: three days of repair, one day of rest. A trip to the cinema, a picnic, an evening at the dacha, even a romantic dinner in the same renovated apartment will do – the main thing is to take time for each other, and not for a roll of wallpaper or a can of paint.