The root causes of relationship fights and how to avoid them.

telwoman | March 5, 2021 | relations

Relationships without quarrels are extremely rare. According to statistics, the largest number of quarrels occurs in the first 3 years of a relationship, as well as in the first year after the start of life together. During this period, lovers show their true character and learn to get used to each other. After passing the crisis stage, the union of a man and a woman is transformed and moves to a qualitatively new level. In this article, we will talk about the causes of quarrels in a relationship and how to behave correctly during a conflict.

Why fights arise in relationships

At the beginning of your romance, there was passion, romance and turbulent emotions in the relationship. Gradually, tender feelings are dulled, and their place is taken by scandals and disagreements. In order to maintain a relationship, both partners need to work on themselves and on the manifestations of their character. If you are tired of constant quarrels and conflicts with your loved one, do not rush to interrupt your relationship. There are the most typical reasons why quarrels occur between partners.

Quarrels are an indicator that not everything is going smoothly in your union. In order to understand how to reduce the number of quarrels, you need to understand why they most often occur.

Lack of attention from a partner

One of the partners suffers from an insufficient number of kisses, romantic dates, sincere conversations or pleasant compliments, therefore, unwittingly provokes quarrels and conflicts. This behavior resembles childish pranks, the purpose of which is to get attention from adults. However, adults are not supposed to behave in this way.

Quarrels over lack of attention do not strengthen your relationship, because over time they only irritate your partner and want to distance themselves from you. What to do in such a situation? Partners need to be together more often. It is not only the amount of time spent together that is important, but also its quality. Fill your life with interesting events and new experiences. Try to get the attention of your loved one as you did at the beginning of the relationship.

Different worldview and life values

This type of conflict can be called protracted, because partners most often continue the relationship, despite controversial situations. You can quarrel because of domestic disagreements, attitudes towards bad habits, because of different views on raising children. As a result, partners come to a compromise, or one of them yields to the other. What to do in such a situation? The task of lovers is to learn how to resolve controversial situations without quarrels, shouts and swearing. In this case, the best solution to the problem will be a compromise, when each partner makes mutual concessions and promises to change something in his character and behavior.

Jealousy

It arises in two cases: either because of self-doubt in one of the partners, or because of distrust of a loved one (especially if he gives reasons for jealousy). Quarrels over jealousy, as a rule, are accompanied by a strong intensity of passions between partners, expressing mutual discontent and even insults. This type of quarrel most often leads to the destruction of the relationship if the partners do not find a constructive way to resolve them.

What to do in such a situation? Having a frank conversation will help you. If you are jealous, let your partner know about your fears and mental anguish. A loving person will definitely make concessions and adjust his behavior in such a way as to give less cause for jealousy. If they are jealous of you, then you can also eliminate the factors that bother your partner. Pay more attention to him and talk about your tender feelings more often. If your loved one torments you with unreasonable jealousy, you should think about whether you can build a happy and lasting relationship with him in the future.

Dissatisfaction with a partner and a desire to change him

After the end of the candy-bouquet period, the first crisis sets in in the relationship. Partners stop trying to show themselves from their best side, there is a clash of their true characters. This period is very important for a couple, because a man and a woman evaluate each other and decide whether they can be in a relationship in the future. The desire to change some traits in a partner is quite natural, but it is these attempts that cause the most resistance.

Dissatisfaction with a partner and a desire to change him

What to do in such a situation? Think about why you want to change your loved one and will he be happier from this? We are not talking about cases when your partner shows excessively negative traits (behaving aggressively, offending you, excessively addicted to alcohol). It should be remembered that in any person there are both disadvantages and advantages. It is on the latter that you should focus your attention. If you still want your partner to change, do not ask him to become a different person one day. Gently and unobtrusively push him to change, praise his words and actions when he behaves the way you want.

Problems in intimate life

The partners may not have the same sexual temperaments and preferences, as a result of which one of them feels dissatisfied. Because of this, the character changes, the person becomes more nervous and irritated than usual. Therefore, he begins to quarrel with his partner for minor reasons, clings to little things, behaves aggressively.

What to do in such a situation? It is necessary to forget about mutual grievances and shyness and decide to have a frank conversation. It is he who will help find out the true cause of intimate problems in a couple. Be patient and kind towards your partner. Don’t expect the situation to improve by itself. Sex is very important for mutual harmony in a couple, and its absence often leads to a breakdown.

What is the right way to behave in a quarrel with a loved one?

Regardless of the cause of the conflict, you should behave correctly, refrain from shouting and insults and find the shortest path to reconciliation. The following tips will help you with this:
* The golden rule of any quarrel. Before you say anything to your partner, ask yourself the question: “Do I want to be right or happy?” Most likely, you will find ways to reconcile, but emotions can tell your partner a lot of unpleasant and offensive phrases. The quarrel will pass, but sharp words can sink deep into the soul of your loved one. Remembering them, he will feel unhappy. Is this your true goal?
* Avoid direct accusations and insults. Psychologists recommend carefully analyzing your speech. Instead of “You-messages” use “I-messages”. In other words, one should not say “You are so selfish, you didn’t warn you that you would be late, you don’t think about me at all”. Instead, say: “I was waiting for you all night, I was very nervous and worried, I thought you were in trouble.” Thus, you will achieve two goals at once. First, reduce the emotional tension of the conflict and avoid blaming your partner directly. Second, it will be easier for your partner to understand your emotions and thoughts. Most likely, after the claim voiced from the position of “I-message”, the loved one realizes that he is wrong and will apologize.
* If a conflict has arisen, then you need to end it here and now. It would be a mistake if you do not discuss all the unpleasant moments and hush up a quarrel. It will flare up with renewed vigor with further disagreements, and it will be more difficult for you to control yourself. You can give each other time to relax and collect your thoughts, and then return to an unpleasant conversation without unnecessary emotions.
* Stay on time. The quarrel can be short, or it can grow like a snowball. Regardless of resentment, rage, or heartache, one partner should be the first to stop responding to the other’s words. And at this moment it does not matter at all who is right and who is wrong. Your goal is to mend relationships, so someone needs to make a willful effort on themselves. You and your partner can come up with a stop word, such as the location of your honeymoon or the name of your child. This word will signal that you cannot continue the conflict and must restore moral strength.
* Keep your promises. If during a quarrel you have promised something, then try to do everything to keep your word. Your partner will be very pleased to see how much you try for the relationship, and for his part, he will also want to please you. If you don’t keep your promises, you will set a bad example for your loved one.

Learn to sincerely forgive your partner after an argument. The resentment hidden in the heart negatively affects our spiritual balance and emotional state, prevents us from being a truly happy person. It is much easier to get rid of this unpleasant feeling forever.