Unfortunately, it quite often happens that the mother-in-law interferes in the family relations of the son and his wife, thereby violating their boundaries without remorse. Which naturally negatively affects family relationships. But why is the mother-in-law interfering with the relationship, and what can be done about it?
After all, she can call your husband several times during the day and until late at night. May come to you without an invitation. Can give advice on the interior, or pick up new furniture for you. She can always be found in the kitchen preparing her favorite dishes for her son. Perhaps she does it for your good, or she just doesn’t like the choice that her son made. Let’s try to figure it out.
Why is the mother-in-law interfering with the relationship?
The mother-in-law behaves in a similar way, because she understands or does not understand, but she made herself emotionally dependent on her son, and it is difficult for her not to see him for a long time. She lacks the communication and affection that was between them earlier. Usually this type of confusion that your mother-in-law displays is not new to your husband. This pattern of behavior on her part began when her son (your husband) was still a small child. Therefore, he perceives it as the norm.
But even if the mother-in-law understands what she is doing, she probably will not be able to stop this pattern of behavior, since she is comfortable having such a relationship with her son.
A mother-in-law’s constant meddling in a relationship can ruin a marriage.
Why would this ruin a marriage?
In the event that you live with your son’s mother, then this is certainly not an easy case. And you can sympathize. After all, when a situation arises that a man is a spouse for his wife, as well as a surrogate spouse for his mother, then such dynamics will eventually begin to cause anger in the husband, regardless of whether he realizes it or not. But all this anger will reflect on you and your family. And basically he will not make trouble with his mother, but with you.
In addition, on a daily basis, there will be a constant struggle for power between you and his mother over how to run a household, how to raise children, how to build relationships, what political views to have, and a million other things. Your husband will have to constantly choose between what his wife wants and what his mother wants. Naturally, this will be a very difficult choice for him. He loves both of you.
If a situation arises that the mother-in-law interferes with the relationship, then you should establish certain boundaries with her. They must be installed by both husband and wife. And in the event that you live together, then the best solution would be to just start living separately with your mother-in-law. But in any case, the greater burden still falls on the man as the head of the family. Consequently, he will have difficult conversations with his mother, and for him it will not be an easy period in his life.
Your husband should inform the mother that his main relationship is now with his wife. And that this new family has priority in his life. He must reassure his mother that he loves her, but their relationship must change.
How to build relationships with your mother-in-law?
1. Show love and respect.
Let’s now talk about how to establish a comfortable relationship with your mother-in-law, and what you can do in this situation. The first thing to do is tell your man that you really love him and understand the complexity of the situation. And whatever your relationship with his mom, you want to be with him and love him. Say that you respect his mom and her feelings for him. But for the sake of your relationship and family well-being, you should somehow make a difference.
2. No need to be silent
Now let’s talk about conflict situations that naturally arise between you and your mother-in-law. First, if you are in your own home and take care of it. Then you shouldn’t hide your feelings and desires. But do it with respect, and never resort to insults.
Try to communicate more with her and find a compromise in difficult situations. But if you understand that the conflict cannot be avoided, then ask your husband to be present. So that he helps to understand the situation. Don’t let yourself be insulted. And if insults come from her, then you should not close your eyes. Also inform your husband about this.
3. Try to understand her
You need to understand that the reason for this behavior is her excessive love for her son, and lack of love for her. And it is likely that she is not doing this because of evil motives. Therefore, you should not argue with her and make scandals. This will not lead to anything good. Try to understand and accept it. You cannot change a person. The best thing to do is to show respect for her, because she is, after all, a member of your family.
Naturally, as we said earlier, you shouldn’t be silent if you don’t like something. And you need to discuss all the misunderstandings that have arisen. But try not to bring the matter to conflict. Try to find positive aspects in her behavior. After all, she wants good, just sometimes “goes too far.”
4. Be yourself
To improve your relationship with your mother-in-law, you should not pretend to be the ideal wife or daughter-in-law. Be yourself and behave naturally. Let her see that there is an honest and sincere person next to her son. Show that you truly love her son and want to create a happy relationship with him. From what she saw, she will calm down a little, and, possibly, change her behavior.
5. Start living separately
In the event that the mother-in-law interferes with the relationship, and you are unable to improve the relationship, then you need to live separately with her. Ask your husband to rent an apartment if you are unable to purchase your own home. As a result, you will see how your relationship with your husband will begin to improve, and “life will sparkle with new colors.”
Support your spouse
If it so happens that the mother-in-law interferes with the relationship, and you and your husband are trying to find a way out of this situation, then you should not underestimate the degree of guilt he will feel when he begins to set appropriate boundaries with her. During this time, adopt a non-judgmental attitude towards his mother and towards him. Try to empathize with his feelings and be supportive.
Let your husband know that you understand how difficult it is for him right now and reassure him that he is doing the right thing. Let him feel uncomfortable during this process. Let him express his emotions and feelings, and do not get angry and blame him. But at the same time, remain firm in your determination to set boundaries with your mother-in-law, and help your husband to do so.