Everyone has their own ideal of relations and depends largely on the characteristics of character, upbringing, education, their own fantasies, emotionality, life principles, etc. At the same time, any person will call comfort and a sense of harmony in a relationship with a partner as a prerequisite for a good union. When, instead of joy, communication brings various negative emotions – fear, worries, dissatisfaction, doubts, etc. – such a relationship can be confidently called destructive. After all, being in a constant state of stress, in the end, leads to the destruction of one’s ideals, prevents one from developing and enjoying life.
What relationships can be considered destructive
Strong and harmonious relationships are based primarily on respect, trust, warmth and love. That is why you need to immediately note any symptoms that something in your couple did not go according to the intended scenario in the form of a long and happy life together.
What should arouse the first suspicions about the beginning of the destruction in the relationship:
- manifestations of coldness and indifference. At the same time, they can express themselves in completely different ways – from caustic remarks, reproaches to silent boycotts and the partner’s closure in themselves. At this stage, you need to urgently sound the alarm, calling the chosen one for a frank conversation. Try to find out the reason for the indifference and together find a way to return warmth to your relationship;
- lack of desire to communicate, share painful, ask for advice. In this case, you from a couple begin to turn into roommates who are simply forced to be around by chance. At the same time, everyone has his own life and his own secrets, into which he does not devote his partner and does not want to discuss with him his decisions, actions, desires. Such a distance from your half indicates the beginning of the destruction of the couple, so you need to try on your own or with the help of psychologists to find points of contact again, find common interests and encourage the chosen one to communicate;
- the presence of constant reproaches, quarrels, humiliation and even assault in a relationship is no longer a bell, but an alarm, to which you also need to respond immediately. And here, without the help of psychologists, saving a couple from destruction is already very problematic.
The main thing to remember is that any destruction can be corrected – “repaired” only at the initial stage. The larger the crack between you becomes, the faster you will have to agree to parting, as the only sure way out of a destructive union.
What are the signs to recognize a destructive relationship?
Being in a destructive relationship, a person loses faith in himself, stops developing, his self-esteem decreases. Due to the constant finding in internal stress and acutely reacting to disharmony in a couple, psychoemotional and physical health can also be disrupted. You can recognize a destructive effect by the presence of any discomfort or negative emotions that you have to constantly experience when communicating with your partner.
Such destructive factors can become:
- lack of confidence in the reciprocal feelings of the partner. The need to prove your love a hundred times a day can very quickly lead to a cooling of feelings. At the same time, such a phobia tends to increase your appetites over time – if at the beginning of the relationship you (or from you) demanded only words of love, then further you will have to try harder and harder to literally prove your love. Not everyone can cope with such tasks. And, of course, not everyone wants their love to be questioned and forced to convince of their sincerity;
- an obsessive desire to control every step of the partner. This is the effect of déjà vu, when an adult has not only to report, but also to ask for time off from the other half, as it once did from parents in childhood. The control and the all-seeing eye of a loved one will play the role of a stranglehold on the neck, which is tightening all the tighter with any desire to take a step to the side. In the end, such a humiliating attitude and deprivation of one’s own freedom will cause hatred and lead to the disintegration of the relationship;
- pessimistic outlook on life. A healthy hint of pessimism doesn’t hurt, but rather sobering. But when the bad is always and in everything, it is definitely very difficult to tune in to the positive. In such a pair, the second person will suffer, falling under the negative influence of the pessimist, gradually sinking into the abyss of his fears, nagging, and discontent. What kind of development and positive emotions can we talk about? Such destructive relationships are doomed from the outset – it is better to leave the chosen one to fight with your cockroaches, and give yourself a chance to meet a worthy person with an adequate outlook on life;
- sacrifice. True love implies the free giving of your feelings, emotions, attention and care. Nobody should demand anything from you. Even with visible actions on the part of the chosen one. You can’t build a relationship on the equation: you tell me – I tell you. And all the more, you cannot elevate yourself to the rank of a victim, voluntarily taking on some responsibilities, and then reproaching them. This position obliges the soul mate to be always on the alert, monitor your actions and be ready to fully thank you for them. This is a bad scorched earth tactic that should not be applied in a harmonious relationship between two mature and loving people;
inability to admit their guilt. Well, a person cannot always be right in everything. He can be wrong, and there is nothing reprehensible or terrible in this. The main thing is to be able to admit your guilt, ask for forgiveness, realize the mistake and learn a lesson from it. If in a relationship one is always a priori right, then the other, which is logical, must agree to the role of a person without his own opinion, with poor erudition, low knowledge, etc. And this is self-deprecation, which is the result of a destructive relationship;
- unwillingness to take responsibility for their words and actions. It happens that in a relationship a man takes the position: “I did not promise you anything.” In this case, too, is not far from the destructive action of such love. After all, a woman will try in every possible way to appease the chosen one, hoping to hear some promises about a joint future. As a result, she will have to forget about her interests and aspirations, so this format of communication with a guy should also be attributed to a destructive relationship;
- excessive aggression and inability to argue constructively. If you know that any quarrel ends in humiliation, personalization and open aggression on the part of the chosen one, this will forever wean you from discussing any topics. You will choose the tactic of agreeing with any opinion of your partner, just not to run into his rejection and condemnation. For the same reason, many people prefer to take the blame and apologize once again, even if there is no reason for this. And this is already a way to underestimate your own self-esteem and the appearance of self-doubt, which is by no means a sign of a normal relationship in a couple;
- emotional abuse. It can have different masks – from harmless (but constant!) Ridicule, insults in the form of a joke to harsh bullying. A partner can assert himself in this way at your expense, exposing you to friends in an unattractive light and showing his superiority. Each time, your self-esteem will sink lower and lower, and your love will go further and further. So why endure such a damaging relationship in the first place? Isn’t it better to immediately discuss with your partner what is unpleasant for you to hear, and continue to communicate in a manner that is comfortable for you;
- manipulation. Most often, sex is used in this case. At the same time, you can manipulate both by constantly forcing you to have trouble-free sex, and by ignoring the desire of your partner in intimacy. Any of these behaviors will be traumatic, cause feelings of inferiority, and, therefore, will indicate the destructive nature of the relationship;
- jealousy. In reasonable amounts and with reasonable justification, jealousy can be present in a relationship. But when it turns into uncontrolled and obsessive torture with suspicions, checking the phone, pockets, personal correspondence, this is already akin to emotional abuse. Such actions and complete distrust of the partner only aggravate the gap between the lovers, and the destructive relationship ends in parting;
- insincerity in a pair. Rough phrases, lack of interest in your life, desires and problems, unwillingness to offer help and support – all this is acutely felt on an emotional level and provides a destructive tone to the relationship;
- social isolation. At the stage of the bouquet-candy period, the desire to retire with a loved one is perceived as quite logical and natural. But when one of the partners is completely fixated on the relationship, isolating himself from society, this puts the other half in some framework, erecting an insurmountable barrier between conformity to a loved one and his own self-realization in society.
The main reasons for choosing a destructive relationship
As life shows, there are people who from time to time find themselves in such uncomfortable relationships, constantly stepping on the same rake. The reasons for choosing this communication format include:
- childhood traumas: disliked children seek dependence on a loved one, and raised as narcissists seek to manipulate and dominate;
- unhappy first love can cause distrust and fear to open the soul to a partner. From here, excessive jealousy may begin to appear, a desire to hear evidence of love, etc.;
- betrayal in a relationship will also make a person plant doubt in his soul for a long time, straining his future chosen ones with such an attitude and destroying new alliances;
- escape from oneself – the unwillingness to solve their problems, many try to justify at the expense of devastating love, in which one has to suffer a lot – where is it before self-development.
In any case, you cannot project problems from childhood or past relationships onto a new acquaintance. You can strike up a romance only by fully understanding your complexes and personal problems – then it will be easier for you to communicate without creating discomfort for your partner.
What should you do if you are already in such a relationship?
If you managed to note the destructive signs at the very initial stage, then it is worth sitting down at the negotiating table and discussing all the problematic points with the chosen one. Talk about your vision of an ideal relationship, tell each other what makes you uncomfortable, and what kind of attention you expect from your partner. At the same time, try to not only convey your wishes and requirements, but also listen and hear your loved one. Only with respect and love, as well as with a common desire to have a joint future, can you reduce the degree of destruction and bring relationships on the path of harmony and comfort.
Reassessing your own actions
There are also situations when you have already changed many partners, but the problems in the relationship are still haunting you. Then it is worth considering, is there a problem with the chosen ones? Maybe, after all, you should reconsider your behavior and find in yourself the reason for creating the conditions for destructive relationships.
You can create discomfort in a couple for a partner by following your actions:
- the constant demand for proof of love for you will make the guy run away to the one who will be sincerely glad to just communicate with him and the fact that he chose her;
- the desire to control all the steps and actions of the chosen one will cause rejection and hatred. The constant need to account for anyone will turn into a neurotic with aggressive habits. So it is quite natural that the chosen one will quickly want to leave the cage, looking for happiness in a relationship where trust and respect for personal space will reign;
- the inability to lose in a quarrel and apologize for their mistakes will make a partner constantly guilty, making him feel imperfect owl, and very few people will like this. Moreover, everyone loves to be praised and encouraged – so the chosen ones will look for just such emotions, running away from you once again;
- distrust and doubt in the sincerity of a partner call into question both his honesty and his decency. It is all the more insulting in the presence of strong feelings;
- the predominance of a pessimistic and gloomy mood will be like trying to bury both yourself and your partner. And not everyone is ready to see the world exclusively in black colors;
- unreasonable and ostentatious sacrifice will wait for reciprocal actions from the chosen one. And what if he did not ask you to perform any feats in the name of your love? And in general – love is more a return than bargaining. Therefore, the chosen ones will leave in the hope of meeting a real feeling, and not a selfish substitution of it;
- the presence of addictions always forces a partner to take responsibility for your life and the decisions you make. But after all, everyone should first of all strive for improvement himself. And even more so, few people want to put their lives and happiness on the altar of fighting your addictions.
It’s always best to start re-evaluating yourself. Firstly, this way you will quickly come to the desired result. Secondly, you can improve yourself by any means by improving your character and behavior in different situations and circumstances. So, feeling that your partner is starting to move away, immediately reconsider your attitude and try to correct your mistakes so that he again feels the desire to build his future only with you.
Sadly, some relationships cannot be saved. If you are trying to reach out to your partner, and in response you see indifference and coldness, then you should remember your own pride and draw the right conclusions. And you don’t need to take a breakup or divorce as a negative fact. In many cases, it is by freeing yourself from a destructive relationship that you get the chance to become truly happy. Even with a different partner and in a new pair. But surrounded by respect, care, warmth and sincere love.
In any case, the decision is yours. Fighting for your love and marriage, of course, is worth it. But not with windmills and rose-colored glasses. It is better to choose an assistant in the form of a qualified psychologist who will help you find the cause of your destructive relationship and suggest ways to get out of it. Communicate more, look closely and evaluate the actions and character of the chosen one before the start of a serious romance. This will protect you from frustration, resentment, and wasting time with the wrong person. Be open and be clear about what exactly can make you happy. Discuss this with your significant other and walk through life together in a harmonious and pleasant union.